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Labels: gay wedding

I went to a "gay wedding" this morning. Before too long, we can quit making the distinction. But for now, it is new enough that we can savor the words as they trip off the tongue. Adrian and Ted. We met at their home at 11AM and they had the ceremony bang on time. Then a small reception. Nice appetizers and some champagne for those who do that sort of thing. It was very nice.

I got home in time to see one of the best Fosse musicals. The Pajama Game (1957). This one almost straight off the stage except that Doris Day is the female lead. All the rest are from the show. John Raitt, Eddy Foy Jr., Carol Haney and the others. A pajama factory has a labor crisis. The workers want 71/2 cents raise. The foreman and the grievance committee head fall in love. Fun. A lot of musical numbers and everything is wonderful in this one. Songs, dance, plot and the story rip along full blast. A 5 out of Netflix5. Fosse's dances are exuberantly presented and everyone has a good time.

Labels: films, gay marriage, gay wedding

FOUR MORE YEARS

Today is our fourth wedding anniversary.

Nevermind that we have been together 37 years. 33 of them without benefit of clergy.

Matter of fact it is still without benefit of clergy. More the support of the state.

There are benefits. Since California is a community property state we can even file our IRS forms jointly. And there are more benefits within California.

But most of all it is the signifier that gay people do have the same rights as others. That we are not hidden. For the state, it means that all of its people count and have full citizenship.

But the real payoff is emotional.

We had a hundred friends in our back yard. All our kids came to see.

We were married by a member of the City Council who had been a friend.

Our kids led us to the front of the congregation and our dog Franklin followed us just as though it had been rehearsed. Try rehearsing anything with an Airedale.

When the moment came, the declaration that we were man and husband, everyone applauded. And Franklin barked loud and clear. We hadn't rehearsed that either.

A thrill. A realization that the bond we set years ago was not only recognized and validated but that we had, after a long hard struggle, arrived in our proper place in society.

Pretty important stuff.

Labels: gay wedding, life

WAIT A SECOND

Today is our second anniversary.

We were one of 18,000 couples who made it through the California gay marriage window.

The window slammed shut shortly thereafter.

Did it make a difference? Yes.

To us.

You can be lovers, partners, whatever but there is nothing like being official.

We had already become Certified Domestic Partners and, legally, that is exactly the same as marriage.

But it is not marriage.

Marriage is a right. It is a social institution not a religious one. It is the final seal on the deal.

Inside, it has made us feel as though we belong to a greater good. In this interim period, it also makes us feel "a part of" the movement but that is not the point.

We celebrate our relationship in a way that non-gay (usually called straight) people do not even think about. But they do celebrate.

It is hard not to say we are married in a calm and non-aggressive voice. We are married.

Serenely and perfectly we are one. In the eyes of god(s) and man.

This was our cake topper.

Labels: gay marriage, gay rights, gay wedding

OUR FIRST

Today is our first wedding anniversary.

We were married in the back yard, with a hundred friends and family watching, one year ago today.

John made a beautiful husband.

This happened in our 33d year together. Now it is 34.

That makes it a little time warpy. In our heads we have been married for a very long time. Maybe not 34 years. More like, say, 1980, when we decided that we would be together. Period. No games about an open relationship or any of the other dodges people use to shy away from commitment.

At that time, monogamy looked quaint. Now, not so much.

I look around and see the people who seek half way measures in relationships and realize that simply would not work for me.

As long as there is an escape hatch, the pain of growing up and having a true relationship with another human being is compromised. The commitment is lessened. Denial grows. The unsaid remains buried. One becomes sick with secrets and unexpressed thoughts.

I don't mean to stress the negative here. There is a lot of joy from commitment. Freedom. The ability to trust and be trusted.

But growing through selfishness, liberating oneself from the corrosive acids of self obsession, are a priceless spiritual experience. One way that can be obtained is by living together a day at a time with another human being. All the way.

Length of time is not the issue here. Some people have had this experience and then have it peter out and move on.

We have not had that experience. We are still at it. The joy and the pain and the growing. To death do us part.

I finally know what that phrase actually means. It is the real deal.

One would think that after 34 years together and 29 of those years committed, one would be blasé about marriage.

Some people do say that they "have been together and are "married" so why get "married"?

Well, let me tell you a few reasons.

For one, it is the ultimate playing out of a saga that began with Stonewall all those years ago. The culmination of one big branch on the gay rights tree.

Having been part of the movement all this time it is the only natural next step to take.

Another reason. Because we can! Do it. Nail it. Have it down in black and white. Celebrate it. Take the relationship to a new level.

Need another reason? Because, despite our hard shell, we are, inside, very vulnerable as gay couples without social endorsement.

From the minute we stepped into the County Clerk's office where we were welcomed with open arms to the final "I do", we were swept into a process so confirming and supportive that we were amazed. We became tearful and gorged with good feelings of inclusion and support.

It does make a difference and don't let anyone tell you it does not.

I still thrill a bit when I refer to "my husband". We used to say that before it was real and now it is quite emphatically real and it has a huge impact on the way I feel about me and us together.

Another reason it was good to get married? Because it is fun and we are part of a grateful minority of gay couples in California who had the privilege and took it and ran with the whole idea.

Finally because I always wanted a husband and now I have one. For real.

Labels: gay life, gay marriage, gay wedding, life

HISTORIC

Speaks for itself. They met through an ad just like we did. John and I.

We didn't get announced in the NYTimes.

But we have twice their time together.

And we are married.

Labels: gay marriage, gay wedding

IOWA?updated

Yes!!

Iowa Court Says Gay Marriage Ban Is Unconstitutional

Well, it keeps on spreading.

It used to be thought that gay marriage would work its way in from the two coasts but now the christers and wingnuts are being overcome from the middle of the country as well.

This is such good news.

Photo is of an Iowa marriage between two men that occurred in the brief period where the first judge declared for marriage and before it was put on hold pending appeal. There have been gay marriages in Iowa for awhile. Only the few that made it through the window at that time.

In the meantime, we await the action of the governor of Vermont. Will he veto what has already been passed?

Labels: gay marriage, gay rights, gay wedding

SOMEONE ELSES' WEDDING

Soon after our wedding, two woman friends of ours decided to get married before the election.

We went to their house yesterday. It is up in the high desert. Out in the boonies with rolling mountain scenes forever. Clouds. Big puffy clouds. Wonderful sun.

There were ten of us to witness the event.

They did the service in a labyrinth they have made on a spot away from their house. Not a maze. A path which winds on itself. You walk it and meditate.

So, they walked the labyrinth to get to the center and be married.

It was wonderful.

They have horses and sheep. They train dogs as herders as a pastime. You need sheep for that.

I told the sheep that they were legit now. Their Moms had tied the knot. The sheep baaaa-ed.

It is a wonderful time in California. So many people we know have gotten married.

I hope things go well in the election but, in a way, it doesn't matter.

No matter what, we all are married. Tied. Stood up and did it. We have the endorsement of the State no matter how temporary. It is enough.

And if this goes down we will fight again to regain the right to be equal.

My own experience and the experience of yesterday tells me so.

Labels: gay marriage, gay rights, gay wedding

VIDEOS

The kids are back on the ground in Boston.

The entire house and yard 'complex' is back to normal except for a host of daisies in galvanized pails. Our wedding flower. See below.

And the wedding itself is a series of little mental videos that play randomly in my brain.

The final, relief giving, checkoff on the to do list. The City Councilman, Rick, who did the honors, showed up in plenty of time. I can see him rounding the corner.

A report from 'out there' that there wasn't any crowd forming at 1:40. Then, a later one that said "they must all be here because most of the seats are filled".

Relief.

Then the gathering of the 'bests' and my kids for the procession. The listening for the musical cues. (We hit the mark on the dot) and the lining up with John telling everyone to walk slowly. One more time.

Then the crowd. My god! Did we invite all these people?

Our walk in. The arrival.

I look at the faces. A sea of them. Very close.

I work hard to listen and look at Rick as he gets us into it.

The promises.

The vows. I got it out.

I try very hard to listen to John's. I got most of it.

I see the faces on the other side as we walk out.

All that is coming up for me.

How do I feel today? Married. I am surprised. It does feel different.

First in a civil ceremony way. We are legit. It is the real thing. I have a husband! It is not just a term of endearment.

We were validated. We stood before our family and friends.

And I look at him and know that we are at a deeper level of bonding. Forever. That is a long time.

Here are his vows to me.

Most marriage vows are spoken when we are young, before we even know who we are - much less what we need. Vows filled with promises - to be who we hope is wanted, to do what we think is expected and to do it forever.

The vows I make today — when I am no longer young, when I know who I am, what I offer as well as what I want — these vows are;
to be as reliable as Orion,
to stay as interesting as Franklin and
to complete a journey I am proud to share.

I will keep these vows with gratitude, and joy and serenity.

And I will love you forever.

Sweet, huh?

Oh. The daisies. Out here they call them Margarites.

After one of our last breakups, I had a 'date'. I brought him back to my apartment after dinner. Or maybe we didn't bother with dinner.

We came down the hall and, there at the door, was a galvanized bucket filled with daisies. John had bought the whole thing from some street vendor.

I had to explain and the guy told me that he couldn't come inside with me. He couldn't upset a relationship that was so obviously important.

I wasn't too happy at the time but now I see the event as providential.

Now we have daisies when ever we can think of it.

Today, I saw a lot of people who were there. The reviews are glowing. The word 'perfect' comes up a lot. Or 'the best wedding I have ever been to."

One surprising thing. Many people mention the birds singing so loudly. We do have a lot of birds in our yard.

I was so self centered that I did not hear them. But everyone else did. Great. Atmospherics are important.

Labels: gay wedding, wedding

THE WONDER DOG

In some ways, Franklin has been having a rough time.

On Friday, the house was invaded by 12 family folk from back east. Confusion.

He doesn't much like the pool splashing so that makes things a bit tight negotiating his back yard.

Then Saturday morning a hundred seats were put up in the back area beyond the pool. "This area is for the three p's—patrolling, peeing, and pooping. Not sitting. What is this?"

Then a hundred more people showed up at 2 PM.

We have done this before. I had a birthday party with about a hundred visitors.

He does very well with this. He walks all the time from person to person, gets pets, moves on to the next. Very social. But always on the move.

And that was his strategy yesterday. We had a young dog whisperer keep his eye on Franklin in case he took it in mind to leave or something untoward. But nothing of that kind happened at all.

We were in the guest room, waiting and hiding, so we could not see this.

We waited. The City Councilman came. We signed the papers (actually getting married before we got married at least on paper).

The family and best men gathered. We went outside to wait for our cues and just minutes before we were going to walk in, here comes Franklin. Through the guest room out the door and into the center of our gathering. Always the center.

Everyone made a fuss over him.

He waited with us and when we walked in he came right along right to the head of the gathering. Next to John and me.

He sat through the short service. As we finished and kissed, the people clapped and he barked!

A sharp loud arf!

Jaws dropped.

Later we were accused of training him to do it on cue. No. It is just Franklin's wise way with the world. He has an uncanny ability to pick up his cues and, more importantly, to act on them.

We recessed and he came along and then joined us for the toasts.

I don't remember his being in the recieving line with us until a bit later when things thinned out.

He came up, sat on my foot (a favorite place to sit if you are his special friend) and viewed the scene.

Last night, the best men, in an extraordinary burst of energy, took down all the chairs and we put the entire house back in shape.

Franklin is greatly relieved at this.

Tomorrow morning all the people will be gone and just the three of us will remain. A sigh of relief and some sleep.

He has not taken a nap for two days. He is still asleep in his bed as I type. Two hours after I got up.

It is hard work to be the family Airedale.

Labels: Franklin, gay wedding, wedding

FANTASTIC

Just a few words for the people who hang on my every utterance in the blog.

The wedding was a great success.

Everyone showed up—about a hundred people, the service people showed up as promised, the cake was wonderful, the City Councilman who officiated did a great job and, the best part, we are now married.

Husbands.

Official in the State of California with privileges in Massachusetts, Connecticut and New York who would recognize our marriage if not give us a certificate.

I got my vows out without too much tearing. I got my big laugh line.

See if how can guess which one it was.

I love you.

You are my best friend.

Today I give myself to you in marriage.

We have had better and worst. We've been richer and poorer. We have been together in sickness and in health. We even came close to 'death do us part' a couple of times.

We have cherished and held each other from the first day that we met.

I promise more of the same.

And I promise to work for both of us. Together. To help you be who you are supposed to be, become who you are supposed to become and do what you are supposed to do.

In the care and protection of our Programs. One day at a time.

The day was perfect. Cool. Breezy.

We were right. We did need the other cake layer.

People stayed around. I am sure that we have great photos.

Oh. Did I mention that we are married now?

Labels: gay marriage, gay wedding, wedding

LAST GASPER

This may be my last entry in the blog as a single man.

The momentum has built up so that I suspect that I shall go through with it.

All my kids are here with spouses and kids. What a wonderful reunion. The first where so many have gathered here. A long trek from back east. We are blessed by their presence.

The best men are in place. They sleep in the guest room as I type. One for each of us. Ready to defend and protect.

We have the chairs delivered. The 'altar' is ready. The sound system is in place so that every one of the hundred who will arrive will not miss a word. Or sigh.

Today is a whole ramp up from getting the balloons to icing the drinks (3 a piece). The cake arrives at 11-12. And most crucially, we hope, that the City Councilman will be on time. I call him 'the preacher'.

How do I feel? Well, right now, calm. Like the wind that tore through here during the night fluttering some ribbons on the big display setup in the backyard. A bit ravaged but ready to go, with a little repair.

I will go to a Meeting this morning. The place that makes all of this possible in the first place.

Then we will get through a long march of little details which mean much more to us than anyone attending.

We have lots of help.

The kids, a friend who will be the grand usher. Another who will help people find a place to park (and stay out of the driveway). Another who will prep and serve the drinks. He is paid help. The hardest worker of all.

Did I wander off the question of how I am doing?

Yes.

I don't know how. I do know why though.

I am doing this because, twenty years, ago we put some energy and money behind gay rights in Boston and part of that was the marriage initiative. This finishes that job off.

And, I want what everyone else has. A bond with a belovec husband that ties and nourishes.

A friend wrote the other day. He says it best.

I’m writing to express best wishes to you and John on your big day tomorrow.

All the usual words seem backwards. Instead of “hope” this seems like “proof.” Instead of “anticipation” this seems like “validation.”

I’m happy for you that after years of hiding and shackles you can enjoy the fullness of your relationship. Enjoy tomorrow as the reward for all you’ve done to build and sustain your bond through difficult circumstances.

Blessings on you.

Now. I have to get going. The 'to do list' says that I should eat some breakfast.

Labels: gay wedding, wedding

11001

Gay marriages in California surpass those in Massachusetts

Not that we are looking to break any records. And we do have more people. And we will marry anyone out of state.

Elven thousand! As of this Saturday it will be Eleven Thousand and One.

And here is another statistic. Our county.

County Ranks 4th in State

We are doing our part.

Labels: gay marriage, gay wedding, wedding

CREEPING TENSION

This is the wedding week. Saturday.

I would be less than honest if I didn't say I was nervous about it.

A sort of undefined free floating anxiety. Not intense. But present.

Sometimes I get nervous about everything coming off the way it is "supposed to".

On Saturday, a friend pointed out to me that "we have no idea what to expect so if anything goes wrong we won't know it".

That made sense.

Today is confirmation day. The chairs (the order was lost), the councilman who will marry us, the flowers, the window washer on Friday morning and so on.

This afternoon some final yard work. Cutting of palms and potting an old ficus in a new pot.

I worry, a little, that people will forget or not come or something. Yet, today, everyone I saw was as excited about it as they could be.

One guy has a new job and might not be able to make it but he is trying to get a couple hours off. So nice.

So it is happening.

I will make it.

I don't want to elope any more. And I will show up at the wedding.

We saw the slide show that Dave made for us this morning. We will show it on the video and my computer. Very nice. Teary.

I am also doubling up on my Meetings this week. A suggestion from one of my close-in group. What I would suggest to another. I will do it. I am sure it will help smooth the way.

Labels: gay wedding, wedding

WEDDING PROGRESS

The honey wagon came today and cleaned out the cesspool.

Not too elegant but this is a finish to a long 'do list' that we have been working for the wedding.

This included writing a minute by minute schedule of the ceremony, printing and sending the invites, arranging for the sound equipment, pay the balance on the wedding cake, confirm with the 'preacher' (a city councilman), order the seats (100) and table cloths (4), finish the programs (which were finished when we decided not to have them), get the shirts and ties, get the best men's ties, get a new pool cover, get new 'drapes' for the back sliders, buy beverages, manicure the 'gardens' (done yesterday-one man all day), order flowers, get flowers for pots in yard, pump out the cesspool so 100 people can flush at the same time.

And many more too numerous to mention that are too small to go on a list on the refrigerator door.

And, two days late, the last of the RSVPs came in.

Did I mention that I am getting married two weeks?

NO! 9 days.

How did I get into this?

A tough question to answer. It probably started 33 years ago last April when 'someone' answered an ad that I had placed in an alternative weekly. The rest is his-tory. Our-story.

Did I mention that I am very happy?

Labels: gay wedding

TWO E'S?

I got a scare today.

I have been referring to John as my fiancé. Then I saw that someone spelled it fiancee!

How could I be so wrong?

I am not.

The two ee's are an option especially when you don't use the é thing. Whatever that is. Not an umlau.

Labels: blogging, gay wedding, wedding

WEDDING BELLS

Progress on many fronts.

The flowers are ordered. Yes, flowers.

The sound system is pinned down. Yes, a sound system. We are only going to say the vows once. People should hear them.

The invitees have half responded. Over 50 will be here so far. A bunch still to be heard from.

There is not a lot yet to get started except for the worrying that the baker, the florist, the sound people, the photographer and the chair and tablecloth folks will get here on time with their stuff.

Oh and the grooms too.

I have my vows down cold now. I can say them at the drop of a hat. At least once a day, sometimes more. I don't want to cool off.

Sometimes it seems a bit surreal. That is a good sign, I think. I don't want it to be routine. I want good, gut churning, out of body, high anxiety! An event of great moment.

Labels: gay marriage, gay wedding, wedding

PREPPED

We will each have our own and no one is going to know what they are until the event. Real time.

John got his done the other day. I asked and he told me that there were 120 words.

That was a relief. I had no idea what we were shooting for and that seemed just about right to me.

Then he told me that it was 112.

I have been thinking about this for awhile. I had some rough ideas. One idea was a sort of historic treatment. A walk down memory lane. I scratched that one last week.

But there were some good pieces. I kept one idea from that excursion.

Then yesterday, I just got 'inspired' with a second part. I jotted it down. A while later I opened the document titled vows and began writing. It was all done in a few minutes.

I counted the words. 113!

So I cut one word out and now we both have a vow with 112 words. Karmic.

Now I am memorizing them/it.

It isn't too hard. I think I will have it down by October 11th.

Labels: gay wedding, wedding

NO MOVIE TODAY

We addressed the wedding invitations this afternoon.

A hundred twenty people.

There are only a hundred chairs. So we expect some dropouts. Please.

If not, there is the lawn furniture and, of course, one can always apply for SRO places.

I am glad that we ordered that extra layer of cake.

It was quite wonderful to work through the names of close friends who we want to stand /sit with us for this special event. Not to get all soupy about it or anything.

Nothing moist happened. Just a good feeling about it.

We have been here ten years and I think that we know more people than we managed to gather together in Boston in twenty years. We must be doing something differently.

Also this is a smaller town. One tends to have time to attract friends and to cultivate them.

Most of the invitees are couples. Or aspiring singles.

There is an excitement that is most surprising among younger friends who see a power of example. A new freedom for them coming along.

It is very important that we do this, get married. Making a statement and all.

And then there are all the great fringe benefits for us. The surprising emotions. The little tiffs over the arrangements. The sudden realization that we have waited for this all these years.

So unexpected. Such a gift. What a way to finish it off!

Well, not too soon for that part. But we are doing it upside down. Thirty three years before we get to have a honeymoon.

Labels: gay marriage, gay wedding, wedding

COSTUMED

We completed our wedding costume yesterday. I have new pants ordered from Lands End and John went and bought the.........

Well, I can't talk about it.

But we will look great.

It is very exciting.

Tomorrow we talk to the sound guy. Speakers. Where. How.

I have downloaded all the music.

Then this weekend is nut cutting time on the invitations. Six weeks in advance of the date.

We have about 120 people on the list. Then there are the unknown couples.

There are only 100 chairs rented.

Cringe.

It will be fine.

Like I said. Exciting. Mostly in a good way.

Labels: gay wedding, wedding