esrosedotblog

OUR FIRST

Today is our first wedding anniversary.

We were married in the back yard, with a hundred friends and family watching, one year ago today.

John made a beautiful husband.

This happened in our 33d year together. Now it is 34.

That makes it a little time warpy. In our heads we have been married for a very long time. Maybe not 34 years. More like, say, 1980, when we decided that we would be together. Period. No games about an open relationship or any of the other dodges people use to shy away from commitment.

At that time, monogamy looked quaint. Now, not so much.

I look around and see the people who seek half way measures in relationships and realize that simply would not work for me.

As long as there is an escape hatch, the pain of growing up and having a true relationship with another human being is compromised. The commitment is lessened. Denial grows. The unsaid remains buried. One becomes sick with secrets and unexpressed thoughts.

I don't mean to stress the negative here. There is a lot of joy from commitment. Freedom. The ability to trust and be trusted.

But growing through selfishness, liberating oneself from the corrosive acids of self obsession, are a priceless spiritual experience. One way that can be obtained is by living together a day at a time with another human being. All the way.

Length of time is not the issue here. Some people have had this experience and then have it peter out and move on.

We have not had that experience. We are still at it. The joy and the pain and the growing. To death do us part.

I finally know what that phrase actually means. It is the real deal.

One would think that after 34 years together and 29 of those years committed, one would be blasé about marriage.

Some people do say that they "have been together and are "married" so why get "married"?

Well, let me tell you a few reasons.

For one, it is the ultimate playing out of a saga that began with Stonewall all those years ago. The culmination of one big branch on the gay rights tree.

Having been part of the movement all this time it is the only natural next step to take.

Another reason. Because we can! Do it. Nail it. Have it down in black and white. Celebrate it. Take the relationship to a new level.

Need another reason? Because, despite our hard shell, we are, inside, very vulnerable as gay couples without social endorsement.

From the minute we stepped into the County Clerk's office where we were welcomed with open arms to the final "I do", we were swept into a process so confirming and supportive that we were amazed. We became tearful and gorged with good feelings of inclusion and support.

It does make a difference and don't let anyone tell you it does not.

I still thrill a bit when I refer to "my husband". We used to say that before it was real and now it is quite emphatically real and it has a huge impact on the way I feel about me and us together.

Another reason it was good to get married? Because it is fun and we are part of a grateful minority of gay couples in California who had the privilege and took it and ran with the whole idea.

Finally because I always wanted a husband and now I have one. For real.

Labels: gay life, gay marriage, gay wedding, life