esrosedotblog

Today was mostly devoted to seeing our lawyers.

They say it has been 6 years since we updated our wills and durable attorneys.

The laws have changed a bit. And there is some aging out that happens as the result of passing time.

So we all went off in the Volvo to Palm Desert and had at it.

Marcus helped too.

We sat and went over the details and the documents are getting revised. We will have to go back to sign and complete the process.

It is nice to do this. A way of marking our lives off by looking at the end of them.

Marcus found it wildly entertaining, in his quiet way. He loves rides and settled himself on the rug next to the work table while we did the people stuff.

Then another ride home!

He is now zonked out. I am not too far from that. It takea a lot out of me to talk of my demise.

But we had good help. Competent legal mechanics whose work is only about wills and trusts.

Labels: death, life

So it will be death.

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Sentenced To Death

We are so ambivalent about the death penalty that it is difficult to imagine that Tsarneev will ever get it done to him.

It will be a long drawn out process.

I am one of those people who can handle the death penalty without any cringing.

And I am not apologetic about it although I just erased a sentence that lied and said otherwise.

See? I am intimidated by what I think is public opinion. Our right to differ.

I suppose there can be an argument made that a life sentence would have been more humane. Really?

Do you have any idea what it is like in solitary or in a prison of hard core people?

Of course there is the thought that being a regular guy we could somehow make our way. Be likable.

So I get to root for both things. That he gets death and that he has a considerable time to think about it.

I suppose they will put him in solitary. He is obviously rape bait. Pretty hair. Big eyes. The perfect punk.

Where there is a will there is a way and I am relatively sure that somebody is going to have their way with him.

It is almost assured that the guards will see to that. Extra time in the showers with a friendly thug.

Labels: death, terrorism

Old Ernie Hemingway had it right.

The way to have a good life is to finish well. Otherwise it is a fart and a stutter which is unnecessary.

Today, one of the concerns is getting trapped in end of life scams masquerading as research.

Dying Shouldn't Be So Brutal

We chose our doctor because of what he told us of his philosophy which is and was to let the natural process unfold and, while he cannot prescribe suicide meds, he can help do the next best thing.

Not eating.

And some other stuff which I won't talk much about.

I want control over my death but I may not get it.

We filled out one of those living will things. But I am not convinced it is enforceable. There have to be champions in the family and society to keep it green.

Incidentally, kids, the paperwork is in the green plastic folder magnetically attached to the refrigerator.

Don't you fucking dare try to try to keep me going beyond that critical point.

But then, that is the point. How do we, they, know that we are there.

I think we live in a pretty good place for this. A lot of old people. But it is also a center of medical intervention and prolongation.

We see our doc three times a year for a look see and a talk through. Mostly he orders some routine lab tests. Since we both have "histories" I think that is prudent. And Medicare pays for all of it. Actually only part of it but the labs here don't collect the balance between their fees and the Medicare allowance. That is a game between them and the feds and they leave us out of it.

And so on.

On the other hand, I don't dwell on this. Both of us have had some shit happen and got it fixed. We both take a few pills every day.

I value the visit to the GP and the annual review of the nephrologist who is a non-doc. She works for a surgeon who doesn't pump the system. A lab test, a talk and I am on my way.

I chose well. Or, rather my GP sent me to this guy.

My urologist dismissed me. No annual needed. Three cheers for him!

In the end, which will come, the lucky ones die, asleep in the night. The almost lucky ones get to choose a doc who understands and will give palliative care as long as it is needed and then, help things along with a little good advice.

Choose these helpers well.

Labels: death

I have never understood suicides.

The idea scares me. It seems a weird combination of moral lapse (the methodist boy inside me) and destruction of the ego. A destruction so profound that the whole subject eludes me. The self erases the self.

I escape to denial and sublimation.

But today, Irving Penn's portrait of Robin Williams suddenly appeared in the latest issue of The New Yorker.

There he was. Undeniably him with all the genius parts visible. The vulnerability. The nakedness.

Then it all hit me. A delayed reaction. The sadness. The shock. The impossibility of life ended so radically.

The despair that must have lain behind that intelligence, the talent.

There is nothing to say. I will stop.

At my age I have learned that no death can be explained in a satisfactory way. It is the great puzzle.

Why does it happen? Where do we go? What happens next? It is outside our living experience entirely. No living person has ever been able to explain it to me. And the dead do not speak.

Once again, I am flummoxed.

So, I just have the feelings. I look into the face for answers and the only thing I find is the great life the image celebrates. He was here. Now he is gone. God bless him for it all.

Labels: death, life

I am still in mourning for our friend and companion Booker.

It has been a month since he died. A hard word to type. So final.

But the "pain" still lingers. I awoke with it last night. And it stayed awhile. An ache in the chest. A feeling in the soul. Not so much thoughts of him as simply his absence.

It is hard to contemplate non-being. Non-existence. I have trouble even getting my head around it let alone my emotions.

It is not that I think he is coming back. Not really that he is waiting for us on the Rainbow Ridge, a popular conception served up for grieving pet owners (it does tug at the tear ducts, no wonder about its appeal).

I occasionally have the raw desire to just have him back. Not another dog. Him. Now. Please.

I think I am a mature person. I am intelligent and have some detachment from the emotional bonds that often tie humans down. But that is no proof against grieving.

And, in fact, I do not really want to be immune from the process.

I loved our dog very much. He is gone. That leaves a hole in my life. I am sad. I am in some pain and it is a sign of the bond and love I had and still have for him.

Talking about it helps. People who have lost dogs understand all too well when I talk to them. I also know that there is such a thing as going too far. Not being maudlin. No one wants that. Well, most of us. But going too far into the pain that is left, fondling it, becoming attached to it, that is not a good idea. It is not healthy.

The idea, I think, as with all emotions, is to experience the feelings and to let them go.

There are some losses that can not be tempered. This is one. The last time this happened, with Franklin, we went out and got Booker. Not to make us feel better but just as a natural process of wanting a dog around. We were ready, we didn't have to look very hard. We took a few steps and there was Booker.

This is not likely to happen this time. There is no obvious step to replace our friend or to displace our feelings with another dog.

That doesn't mean there won't be any. But right now it is not a solution. We have some places to go and plans to live out which make getting a new dog right now a bad decision. We will be overseas. We will be going on a weekend trip or two. It is summer in Palm Springs and not a time that a new animal is going to like being around if he is not used to it.

So there is grieving. A process. Nothing to be done except to go along with it and have it out.

Prayer helps me some. A personal solution that has come late to me in life. Answers do come to me. One is clear. My Higher Power doesn't seem to think that I should dodge grieving. I should have it out.

It is not the final such loss I am going to experience unless I bite the big one myself. It is good practice. It is cleansing. It is healing. And it helps to finish off the mourning that I might have avoided in other past situations.

So, I will do it, take it, be it. Consume it. It will pass. I know that. Even now, I think of things about Booker that make me laugh. I even know that he died peacefully and with no pain or suffering in his last days. He had a very good life. He came to us when he was eight and stayed for over five years. As long as a guy his size and breed is expected to. This was life. This is life. This will be life. Ongoing and blessed.

Labels: death, emotions

This is a great true story told by a short story writer.

That means that he has it almost exactly right.

Drama Unfolds at my Bus Stop

I have had a few brushes with anonymous or accidental death.

The part that he has right is the realization that it is not him who died. That unlike the people around, he did the right thing. That when his little part of the drama is over, he is unable to walk off the stage immediately. The "director" or "editor", a cop, tells him to leave. His job is done. Period.

He also does not get to learn the end of the story. It is more like, I guess, being told to leave the theater as well and not to come back.

A neighbor died across the road when we lived in MA. The wife called. I knew he was dead the moment I heard her voice.

He had died while on the toilet. Not unusual, actually. Be careful.

And he had fallen off.

He was on his side alongside the hopper.

Dead.

You know. Like this guy, you can do the stuff with the pulse and breathing and shit but it is futile.

Emergency people and cops and doctors who may arrive on the scene any minute will act like resuscitation is possible and do the drill but they know too. It is show. They are paid performers.

My dead man, on that occasion, stayed where he was until the doc came, then the cops. No one moved him.

As it happened, the doc was my own physician and we had a nice talk while we were waiting for the troops to arrive.

I don't know what happened next. The cops said we could go, Sam and I. We left. Sam had done his job in the middle of the night. He was a paid performer, union. His role was to declare the guy dead. Not strenuous at all but a sleep deprived night.

We didn't go to the funeral. I imagine that Sam didn't either. I am sure he sent a bill. I didn't do that either.

I didn't even know when it was, the funeral. I assume they had one. But then I generally do not go to funerals at all it not being either for or about the dead person.

But that is another story.

I like the guy's conclusion. There was an elation after at doing the right thing and, of course, not being the dead guy.

In my experience there is nothing that will have you feel more alive than being with a corpse for even a few minutes. So dead. Especially one you have no investment in one way or another.

Labels: death

DEATH LIST

I guess that today is death day.

Here is the NYTimes annual obit compilation but in a very special way.

The Lives They Lived

You will find familiar names but a lot, not.

There will be standard obit writeups and very witty, clever, admirable and fascinating ways of paying tribute to the ones we lost last year.

Celebrations.

And unmissable, at the end, is watching the pics submitted by readers unload onto the page. Face after face.

We are, indeed, only here for a little time and we will leave transient memories. But still, those are potent those small goodbyes.

Labels: death, life

FINAL SCENES

I have reached the age my Dad was so fussed about. This is the time when friends die.

It happened before, particularly in the 80s when AIDS was full force.

And then abated.

Now it is about old age.

A guy I know/knew pretty well just died this past week. He had bone cancer and had apparently had it for some time. Nobody knew.

The case was hopeless and in the end there were two weeks in which he wavered at death's door. Sometimes delirious. Sometimes just out. Only occasionally lucid and aware.

I remember the moment another mutual friend and I decided together not to go visit. People were talking about the situation and going to visit in droves. The incorrect rumor was the he was about to enter hospice and no one would able to see him. They all went anyway. Some snuck in.

Everyone brought back the same message. Rick was so out of it he didn't know they were there.

But of course he did. I wondered what he thought about it.

This is pretty good and jibes with my experience.

Finding the Words (Or Not) to Say Goodbye

Mostly I choose "or not".

I am projecting my own wishes on the situation. If it were me I would not want the crowd or the goodbyes. But I also know that I have no control over it.

I got to say goodbye to one guy who lingered on and on. Another not. A heart attack caused him to go into intensive care in a distant city. No way to go. He "died" twice. Once when there was a rumor he had died and again when it really happened.

Here is my goal. I try to live with other people so that when it happens, not "if", I can say to myself that we really had a nice time and then it was over.

There are many people that I cannot know the outcome. This year, one of the cards that didn't come back was from a very old lady I used to work with. Is she gone? I don't know. Is it OK with me not to say goodbye to her? Sure. We had a good time.

I did get to say goodbye to my Dad. Enough time to say "I love you" over and over and also to let him know that it was OK with us for him to go.

This is the way it seems to me. The situation will present itself and I will act accordingly in line with my best spiritual and mental responses.

I figure that the guy who was gone the next day, after a life time of daily talks, did the right thing. Just let it go. Over is over.

I am comfortable with the fact that I will not know when or where a lot of my old friends are gone. They are strewn over the world, here and there, and the people they are with now might know nothing about me. Or care.

They will not let me know or call me up or even consider people like me who used to be close.

I can live with that.

Labels: death, life

LIFE AND DEATH

Labels: death, life

MOURNING

We lived in the old house for 14 years. Our neighbors for that whole time were the Byrnes. Wonderful people who were always around, friendly, helpful in a "moral support" kind of way. Good fences made good neighbors.

Actually there was a fence but we could see over it. They were down lower than us.

Last week, Marlene was bothered by the dogs in the house we used to live in. The guy we sold to is not the best neighbor and the dogs are a neighborhood nuisance. We try not to feel responsible. We don't but we do a little teeny bit.

Marlene wanted to see what was going on so she got a chair and stood on it to peer over the wall. She fell. Into the pool. Which was empty as Bill had drained it for repairs.

She sustained major multiple injuries and got to intensive care but couldn't hold on and died.

It is very sad. They are older than we are and had a great life for 35 years in that house. Of all the people we left behind, it was hardest to say goodbye to them.

Today, we are going over to a local restaurant where they will have a memorial. Fortunately it is only a week since she died and the feelings are still there.

Out here, people wait for weeks to do a "celebration" of people's lives. Awful. I won't go.

I was brought up on funerals and wakes. Loud roaring bawling affairs where people might throw themselves on the body, pass out or just quietly visit with the other friends while the show was going on.

People got out their grief. Their feelings. Their anger and hurt.

Not here. Sweet music and platitudes. By the time they get to the "service" the body is gone, the people are over it and it is hard to remember just why we have gone to the affair. Like I said, I don't go.

But today was close enough that there will be feelings and some old friends back in the neighborhood. And nice memories of Marlene we can share. A few tears. Respects to Bill. A great loss. They were so close one wonders if he can survive.

We shall see. People do. And don't. You can never tell.

Labels: death

I BLAME THE DEAD MAN

A lot of drama next door.

The neighbor died on Tuesday and the daughter was here in a flash. The young man who had been the neighbor's companion was told he would have to leave because they were selling immediately. Bang.

There was a discussion, we hear, of who owned what. He gets nothing. But they did ask him to take the dog and the cat. Which he is rightly ambivalent about but he doesn't want to abandon them. They are still confused about where the boss is. The dog brings flip flops to the tv chair every morning.

So he will take the animals because he would feel too bad not too.

He has found a place and was to move there yesterday but needed more time. They didn't agree but he just stayed over anyway.

There is a buyer coming to view the property today. They do not care if they make money on it or not. It won't be much. There is a mortgage.

It is very hard for the younger man. No resources, no furniture. Of course that was part of the situation when he took the "job" as live in companion. But still.

It is the same story that is told often enough. An oldster dies, the family moves in and anyone caught in the stampede gets trampled if they get in the way.

Something else to plan for in our case. I don't think that would happen with us. I don't think either of us would have a "companion" but if I/we did, we'd sure as shit provide for him and not assume that the family or anyone else would.

There lies the problem.

The avenging, acting out family is a cliché. Certainly one should make preparations for the probability of this happening.

I blame the dead man.

Labels: death, family

THREES

My father believed in the law of threes.

As it happens we had three things yesterday. I have saved the worst for last.

Our next door neighbor, west side, died yesterday.

They had taken him to the hospital earlier in the week.

We didn't know him that well really. He has not ever been in good shape since we met him.

It is sad.

Of course, I immediately see it in terms of my own demise. He had to spend his last days in a hospital. Carted off by the EMTs. That is the way things are now. I would like to avoid it myself.

I woke up last night with it.

The other thing is that he has had a younger Asian man living with him as a care giver. He is a little closer than the old guy.

This leaves him in a lurch. Mourning, they were very close, and out of a job and the relatives are "being crazy" as he described it.

I worry about him too but he isn't having any sympathy more than a long hug when we first talked yesterday. Now, back to inscrutability.

Labels: death

NOT ME, THANKS

We are watching another family deal with the medical treadmill at the end of a long life. The pain and difficulty of all this is incomprehensible.

I do not want it done for me. I have told "everyone" that this is so.

Just listen to enough of this video below to hear about all the oldsters stacked up in ICUs. Some are there because of the very procedures that were to prolong their lives.

I have a friend whose Mom used to say "take me out in the garden and shoot me". Well, I will skip that one but please don't do this ICU thing to me. It is the only thing about the end of my life that I fear.

I have done all the paper work but what I see is that once you are in their clutches it is all hell to get out or to have your peeps get you out.

Did you know that when you dial 911 and the EMTs come that you have just invalidated all your stuff about "no heroic measures" and "do not resuscitate". Even if someone else does the call.

It is a pernicious and evil goddam system in this respect and the money magnet it becomes makes docs among the last to be objective about it.

I recently had a friend whose brother was dying of a rare cancer. No question about it. Dying.

My friend was encountered five times on the last day by hospital personnel who asked about the "do not resuscitate" order. DNR.

They could not believe, or did not want to, that this was the family's decision.

At the end, they called and told him that he should come in and one more time he was asked about DNR. He confirmed yet again that was what they wanted.

When he got to the hospital, the medical staff were leaving his brother's room having just applied the heart jump pads.

Unfuckingbelievable. But believe it.

Now watch.

Labels: death, health, medicine

INSTANT LIFE

Jeez! It's Tuesday already.

Time is collapsing on me.

It seems that the regular weekly things that I do (house cleaning, the recycle pickup) are all happening faster. A shorter duration between them.

Before I know it, I am doing my Tuesday routine at the gym again. Cardio for 30, twists, chest, triceps, abs.

I think this speeding up of time feeds to the notion of eternal life. As time between events comes more quickly or seems to, then the natural extension is to have all of life, the week or month or year, happen all at the same time. Dig it?

So, eventually, if it is all happening now it is happening forever.

I don't spend a lot of time on this. Not out of fear or aversion to the thoughts. Rather than make me anxious, I am somehow comforted about the idea of everything now in and instant. Or everything forever.

It rounds off the edges of considering my non-existence. When I consider it.

I suppose this reflection goes along with a day of wills and trusts. So be it.

If your head is spinning now, don't worry. As time speeds up for you, it will become a part of the natural process. There is nothing scary about it.

Labels: death, lfe

LAWYERED UP

John, Booker and I went to the lawyer yesterday to sign up the papers for our trusts and wills and shit.

It was a pleasant enough experience. We have an attorney who likes dogs.

Booker is very well behaved in situations like this. He is not pushy or all over himself with excitement. He is nice to the people. Sits and watches and then lies down when he is not participating.

Of course, the best part is riding in the Jeep from here to there and there to here.

I am the same way with the legal stuff. I like the ride to and from. Especially from.

They will send the bill. Cringe. But it is necessary. Not for me but I don't want to leave a mess. At least that kind. Actually, part of it is for me, the living will part of it. It tells them how and when to pull the plug.

It was a nice outing. The desert is at its autumn best. Not in the way of golden trees. Although we do have some. More in the light. October light. The mountains are magnificent and we were out in the valley far enough to catch the grand view.

They are massive and still impress.

There are a lot of early thrills in Palm Springs which we now take for granted but not the scenery. It is eternally, spiritually inspiring.

Labels: death, life

DON'T COUNT ME OUT

Yet. But I gotta tell you as I look around I don't want any of those "cures" that they have for cancer or anything else.

I know. That is a sweeping statement. But 6 months to get my affairs in order and say my goodbyes are a lot more preferable than two or three years of radiation, chemotherapy, tubes and bags and all the rest.

I like the new approaches to "palliative care". Here is a long article in the NYTimes about a program at Montefiore Medical Center.

At the End, Offering Not a Cure but Comfort

It is long on stuff about training docs to be better at delivering bad news but it has a lot of meat around the issue of quality of life choices and help from the docs with that.

My experience is with people who get talked into heroic measures by the surgeons who will cut and dice as well as the radiologists, oncologists and the rest who have new science to peddle and to use particularly on old people.

I bet, incidentally, that this is where some of that "death panel" stuff comes from.

I am all for it.

I am not afraid of dying as much as suffering and protracted "procedures" to ward off the inevitable.

Now the trick is knowing whether what they want you to do has a hight probablity of success. And there, I am on my own with the help of my friends. Unless I have a good doc to talk to like ours. Or one of these folks who are putting some perspective on life extension.

I did make that choice once and I did it willingly knowing that there was an extremely high probability of recovery. 99%. The radiation for my prostate cancer was arduous for a 60 year old man. Now? It would be even harder and that was a relatively benign treatment. In a fairly good place in the body to have that kind of thing done if you have to have it done.

I had a consultant, a hired old surgeon. I had my primary care doc. I had other people who had been through it. I would do no less due diligence today.

I hope my kids are reading this. If I get one of those things where I am speechless then you know which way I want the wind to blow. You won't need a weatherman. You got it right here.

Labels: death, life

FEARS

I mention "dementia" below.

It is one of the remaining health fears even though I am getting past the age of most dementia or Alzheimer's onsets.

As I have gotten older, many fears have disappeared. When I was in my 40s, the fear of coronary disaster was significantly present. Then, in my 50s I worried about lung cancer as I was still smoking then. I know it could still come up but somehow having quit the smokes for over a decade has me less worried about it.

As mortality becomes, consciously, more inevitable, I find that I don't worry so much about what gets me as the condition it leaves me in when it happens.

My friend who just died after three to four years of chemo, radiation and surgical hell is not what I have in mind.

If it is a stroke, I hope it goes all the way.

If it is dementia maybe I won't know about it.

The thing is that people I know who have it do know they have it.

Sorry to get morbid this morning but there it is. We all have death fear. If you don't you are likely a dangerous person. To yourself and/or others.

Labels: death, health, life

THE PLUG

I was thinking about this while walking the dog.

Why in the world have they kept Sunny plugged in for almost three decades?

At what cost?

How many lives could have been saved with the same money?

What was her "quality of life"?

Who was in charge of this?

Maybe no one.

Claus may have wanted her dead from the beginning and he was the next of kin.

If and when it happens to me, pull the plug.

Especially if it happens in the deep recession (not a depression). You will need the money. Or someone will.

And (I surmise) that I won't have the faintest idea that you did it.

And if I do, it won't last long in my memory bank.

This life extension thing is so fucked up.

Labels: death, life

REFLECTION

We heard this morning that an old, long alienated friend has died from lymphatic cancer with complications of diabetes. Quickly.

This is always tough news when it involves someone who is still in your life. But the feelings are more complex with the death of someone who was once close and then left in a haze of anger and pain.

Should I have done more? Should I have stayed in touch even though the guy, in my experience, had become a complete asshole?

Then there are the really egomaniacal guilt thoughts. You knew that guilt was essentially a self centered emotion didn't you?

"Maybe because I told this asshole to get out of my life and stay out, I may have caused his early demise". He was only in his late forties, I think.

Then the more self serving thought. "See? Cancer strikes those who are unhappy and negative". This is harder to credit since I was diagnosed with cancer myself over ten years ago. But mine got remissed!

I don't even know if there is a causal factor between a nasty life and contracting cancer but a lot of people think so. I am not sure. But I still thought about it.

I am pleased to say that I did not feel happy to hear he is dead. No elation.

At the end of the string of thought and feeling, I have a bit of regret for the early loss of life. I hope there wasn't a lot of pain and suffering. I have a bit of sorrow that we could not have extended the good times that we did have together.

And mostly, a relief that I don't have to go to the fucker's funeral.

I guess the relationship isn't 100% over for me, is it?

I will have to pray for the removal of all vestiges of resentment now that he is no longer around to arouse it. No point in wasting enmity on a dead man.

Labels: death, life

FUNERARY II

So I went to the Forest Lawn Mortuary yesterday and asked to update our arrangements (no embalming, cardboard coffin, cremation and a cardboard box for the 'cremains').

You may remember (see Funerary I below) that I suspected chicanery.

Not to worry.

The place is really nice. So were the people.

They brought out the files and we went over them.

We pre-paid 1200 dollars apiece. The same thing now costs 2200!

Buy now and save!

Everything was in order.

I had to fill out a lot of new forms because the new ownership is actually more meticulous about how to handle the thing.

Details. Jewelry on or off the corpse?

Stuff like that.

Why would I burn my rings that I paid so much for?

It turns out that as domestic partners the whole thing is a lot easier. No extra papers.

The ashes will be put in a plastic urn. No more cardboard box.

It is smaller. They pulverize all the bones now.

Good.

I scattered a friend once in the Charles River; surreptitiously. Supposedly.

The bone fragments made that hard. Splashes. Visibility. And we were doing it in the dark.

I got a tour of the samples for caskets, urns, and all.

The world has sure changed.

It was a well lit display room. No mood music. Pretty sharp.

The guy was good. We came out to each other early on. That helps. The gay irony gene is never too far from the surface.

He was respectful of the business at the same time as he was considerate of my general disdain for the gear they use for the funeral rites.

You can buy necklaces with little lockets that hold some of your loved one's ashes.

Not too far over the top, huh?

That is it.

End of report.

I am ready to kick now. I have a good sense that I will be well handled.

Same if I am the second to go. I know it will be an easy process to work with these people.

I am glad that I did it.

Labels: consumerism, death