Friday, June 13, 2008
REFLECTION
We heard this morning that an old, long alienated friend has died from lymphatic cancer with complications of diabetes. Quickly.
This is always tough news when it involves someone who is still in your life. But the feelings are more complex with the death of someone who was once close and then left in a haze of anger and pain.
Should I have done more? Should I have stayed in touch even though the guy, in my experience, had become a complete asshole?
Then there are the really egomaniacal guilt thoughts. You knew that guilt was essentially a self centered emotion didn't you?
"Maybe because I told this asshole to get out of my life and stay out, I may have caused his early demise". He was only in his late forties, I think.
Then the more self serving thought. "See? Cancer strikes those who are unhappy and negative". This is harder to credit since I was diagnosed with cancer myself over ten years ago. But mine got remissed!
I don't even know if there is a causal factor between a nasty life and contracting cancer but a lot of people think so. I am not sure. But I still thought about it.
I am pleased to say that I did not feel happy to hear he is dead. No elation.
At the end of the string of thought and feeling, I have a bit of regret for the early loss of life. I hope there wasn't a lot of pain and suffering. I have a bit of sorrow that we could not have extended the good times that we did have together.
And mostly, a relief that I don't have to go to the fucker's funeral.
I guess the relationship isn't 100% over for me, is it?
I will have to pray for the removal of all vestiges of resentment now that he is no longer around to arouse it. No point in wasting enmity on a dead man.
