esrosedotblog

FINAL SCENES

I have reached the age my Dad was so fussed about. This is the time when friends die.

It happened before, particularly in the 80s when AIDS was full force.

And then abated.

Now it is about old age.

A guy I know/knew pretty well just died this past week. He had bone cancer and had apparently had it for some time. Nobody knew.

The case was hopeless and in the end there were two weeks in which he wavered at death's door. Sometimes delirious. Sometimes just out. Only occasionally lucid and aware.

I remember the moment another mutual friend and I decided together not to go visit. People were talking about the situation and going to visit in droves. The incorrect rumor was the he was about to enter hospice and no one would able to see him. They all went anyway. Some snuck in.

Everyone brought back the same message. Rick was so out of it he didn't know they were there.

But of course he did. I wondered what he thought about it.

This is pretty good and jibes with my experience.

Finding the Words (Or Not) to Say Goodbye

Mostly I choose "or not".

I am projecting my own wishes on the situation. If it were me I would not want the crowd or the goodbyes. But I also know that I have no control over it.

I got to say goodbye to one guy who lingered on and on. Another not. A heart attack caused him to go into intensive care in a distant city. No way to go. He "died" twice. Once when there was a rumor he had died and again when it really happened.

Here is my goal. I try to live with other people so that when it happens, not "if", I can say to myself that we really had a nice time and then it was over.

There are many people that I cannot know the outcome. This year, one of the cards that didn't come back was from a very old lady I used to work with. Is she gone? I don't know. Is it OK with me not to say goodbye to her? Sure. We had a good time.

I did get to say goodbye to my Dad. Enough time to say "I love you" over and over and also to let him know that it was OK with us for him to go.

This is the way it seems to me. The situation will present itself and I will act accordingly in line with my best spiritual and mental responses.

I figure that the guy who was gone the next day, after a life time of daily talks, did the right thing. Just let it go. Over is over.

I am comfortable with the fact that I will not know when or where a lot of my old friends are gone. They are strewn over the world, here and there, and the people they are with now might know nothing about me. Or care.

They will not let me know or call me up or even consider people like me who used to be close.

I can live with that.

Labels: death, life