esrosedotblog

I am still in mourning for our friend and companion Booker.

It has been a month since he died. A hard word to type. So final.

But the "pain" still lingers. I awoke with it last night. And it stayed awhile. An ache in the chest. A feeling in the soul. Not so much thoughts of him as simply his absence.

It is hard to contemplate non-being. Non-existence. I have trouble even getting my head around it let alone my emotions.

It is not that I think he is coming back. Not really that he is waiting for us on the Rainbow Ridge, a popular conception served up for grieving pet owners (it does tug at the tear ducts, no wonder about its appeal).

I occasionally have the raw desire to just have him back. Not another dog. Him. Now. Please.

I think I am a mature person. I am intelligent and have some detachment from the emotional bonds that often tie humans down. But that is no proof against grieving.

And, in fact, I do not really want to be immune from the process.

I loved our dog very much. He is gone. That leaves a hole in my life. I am sad. I am in some pain and it is a sign of the bond and love I had and still have for him.

Talking about it helps. People who have lost dogs understand all too well when I talk to them. I also know that there is such a thing as going too far. Not being maudlin. No one wants that. Well, most of us. But going too far into the pain that is left, fondling it, becoming attached to it, that is not a good idea. It is not healthy.

The idea, I think, as with all emotions, is to experience the feelings and to let them go.

There are some losses that can not be tempered. This is one. The last time this happened, with Franklin, we went out and got Booker. Not to make us feel better but just as a natural process of wanting a dog around. We were ready, we didn't have to look very hard. We took a few steps and there was Booker.

This is not likely to happen this time. There is no obvious step to replace our friend or to displace our feelings with another dog.

That doesn't mean there won't be any. But right now it is not a solution. We have some places to go and plans to live out which make getting a new dog right now a bad decision. We will be overseas. We will be going on a weekend trip or two. It is summer in Palm Springs and not a time that a new animal is going to like being around if he is not used to it.

So there is grieving. A process. Nothing to be done except to go along with it and have it out.

Prayer helps me some. A personal solution that has come late to me in life. Answers do come to me. One is clear. My Higher Power doesn't seem to think that I should dodge grieving. I should have it out.

It is not the final such loss I am going to experience unless I bite the big one myself. It is good practice. It is cleansing. It is healing. And it helps to finish off the mourning that I might have avoided in other past situations.

So, I will do it, take it, be it. Consume it. It will pass. I know that. Even now, I think of things about Booker that make me laugh. I even know that he died peacefully and with no pain or suffering in his last days. He had a very good life. He came to us when he was eight and stayed for over five years. As long as a guy his size and breed is expected to. This was life. This is life. This will be life. Ongoing and blessed.

Labels: death, emotions