esrosedotblog

NO FOOL LIKE AN OLD FOOL

John and I met 36 years ago around this time. Under the steaming kettle on City Hall Plaza, Boston.

I put an ad in a paper and he answered and we got together. That was it. A quick drink then back to my place and the rest is history.

Of course, we were the last to know that was it. We tried hard to make it not happen. Oddly, we had the idea that being newly out gay men meant that we should ignore the great gift of finding a soul mate and to keep rutting around either looking for someone better or to have a "good time", the time that time had somehow taken away from us.

So foolish.

So it was stop and go, over and over, for those first years. Up and down, in and out. Together and not.

We even lost the date. We do not know when the actual anniversary is but we chose April Fools Day as a way to commemorate the situation as well as the time.

One final separation in 1979, when I got sober, ended with the beginning of being together, just us, for the rest of our lives.

It took us a while after that to admit to one another that it finally felt like a lifetime deal and, when we did, we got a commitment ceremony and stuck with it. It was our third one.

It was that bad. The first two didn't take. But there was no way we could be settled and sustain our love in action with me drinking or he reacting to it.

Then, once sober, we had peace and focus and could mend the tears (and tears) that were sustained in the early years.

There is a bit of confusion about anniversaries now.

After that third commitment that took, we were able to get married many years later in 2008. So that is an anniversary too. Two.

But this one is the first one and we are sticking to it.

Some people ask if it was the first time we met or the first time that we did it. We answer "yes". The whole focus at that time was on doing it. That was what the ad was about and that is what we set out to do but both got hooked.

There was another "date" and then another and then, probably, a real one. And then more than a date. Time spent doing other things.

And so on.

It is interesting to have seen the film Johan (1976) today. It depicted the gay life so clearly at that time. There is no intention on these guys parts to stay together. Well, there is intention about getting together with the guy Johan but, as it turns out, there are many "Johans" and many Phillipes. I get that.

Now, gay men go on dates. They have dinner, they go to movies, they court one another. My observation is that it doesn't work any better or, perhaps, worse. This approach has so much deferred gratification that others' turn the guy's heads.

Of course, there are many men who do what we did. Have sex first and ask questions later. Like in that time, the guys, after sex, decide to become friends and quit the sex, keep the sex but as a sort of buddy thing or, they connect, smack! Like John and I did. And things are never, ever the same again.

Happier times are ahead and, in many cases, look at us, the happy time kept rolling for years and years and we became lifers. So happy this turned out for us.

Labels: gay liberation, gay life, gay marriage