Friday, May 11, 2012
DEAR MEupdated
Dear Me.
I know it is hard for you to see what is going on there. Here. Every male friend is scary to you. Particularly your Dad.
You have a secret and you think that if they find out you will be in big trouble.
Wait for college.
You may not believe this but when you get there you will meet someone who is almost exactly like you. He will even have the same last name. You will sit next to each other in your classes. He will become a special friend. You will fool around. I will let you find out what I mean by that. A surprise!
You will finally begin to feel comfortable being as close as you want to be with another boy/man.
There will be others. When you look back at this time you will eventually realize that almost every single person who became close to you in college was gay. Or a wannabe.
Wait a minute. You don't even know what I mean by the word "gay". Another thing you will have to wait for.
You will be in the middle of a gay network. Men like yourself. The same special feelings. Some special guys will come and then go.
And you will still feel alone.
Later, when you get out in the world, the fears will come back and, for awhile, you will do what your parents want you to do and get married. You will be very lucky. You will find a woman who understands. You won't be able to be honest with her for awhile, but she knows about you anyway and doesn't seem to care.
You will have kids. They will be great. You will have a wonderful time as a father. And a grandad!
And a time will come when it will be your turn to be your gay self again. It will be undeniable. A force so strong that you cannot resist it. And by this time the world will have changed too.
You will find support again with other gay men and women. You will be able to use your political talent for politics in the gay movement.
Yes. There will be one. Imagine!
You will be able to march in the street and say that you are proud to be who you are. You will be scared and you will keep marching.
You will get the support of your wife and children and move off to find a new life. That will be very hard but like most things, the difficulty will result in good things if you persist and insist on loving other people.
When you least expect it, you will meet a wonderful man. Just when you expect to be on your own and running around. You will be stopped in your tracks by him. You will love this man and he will love you and no matter how you struggle not to commit to him, you will come back to him and enfolded in his arms.
At last, you will surrender to the life together with this man and it will last wonderfully long for many, many years.
He will become like a dad to your kids and they will accept him as their special friend.
Together the two of you will live a life second to none.
I can guarantee this.
What a gift. You will have a great time once you relax and learn the ropes. You will have many many friends who accept you just the way you are and when someone does not, you will have the courage and resources to tell them to go fuck themselves and get out of your way. And you will win.
Something else will happen that is very very important. You will become friends with your Dad. He will tell you that he is glad you are happy. When it is time for him to go, you will hold him and tell him it is OK. And thank him. And tell him that you love him.
Can you skip ahead and miss all the stops along the way? No. You will get to live them out and each step will help you become a man that you are proud of. And very very happy.
