esrosedotblog

I always liked the Dickens model of Christmas.

Three different pictures of the day; the past, the future and the present.

It helps me not to Scrooge out on a day like this and remember that today is the only day I have (yeh, a cliché´, right?) and the other two are miasmas.

But it has been OK to have drifting memories, the nice ones. For some reason the past has become a lot milder and pleasant. My Dad cutting a tree off our little woods lot. The trees my wife and I had together as each kid came along. One actually born on Christmas. Hi Sara!

The year John had separated but somehow ended up having dinner with his Mom and his best friend Bill.

Was that Christmas? Or New Years?

And so on.

It is a nice walk down memory lane and if I can stay on the healthy side with it, a time for gratitude for all the good things that have happened to me in my (now longer than expected) life.

Which brings up the future. Something I think about but no longer obsess over.

For one thing, the worries about what is down the road are gone.

Somewhere, along the path, I lost the nagging anxiety in my chest, the ache of anticipation. Wow. It is just not there. Talk about the gift of time.

My Dad once told me that everything he worried about in life turned out to be OK.

The best advice/non-advice I ever got.

My Dad was a great guy. Tough as nails and all mush on the inside. There were difficult times with us but in the last years, a warm and abiding love and sharing about stuff occurred which is a gift for all seasons and still abides with me.

I know he was proud of me and toward the end he told me how happy he was that I finally ended up safe and secure.

He even sucked up the news that I was gay and soldiered on. I remember the first time he met John.

It was nerve wracking. But as we sat at the dining room table I realized that he and my husband were sharing Navy stories, ships they had been on and all that. They had found a stout rope to tie themselves together. One that did not involve me. But that was not this holiday. Some other time. But it still comes up. The main men in my life.

Well not to get too soppy about it. Sentimental. Nostalgic.

What about the present? I just lit the tree we have used for a few years. It is the very best one. A "spruce" which will live forever. All white lights. There are some nice packages underneath. We have a happy home and it is very peaceful this morning.

I was going to sleep in late but only made an hour until four. This is my week off from the gym and I have enjoyed it but sleeping in has not really been much of a benefit. I am awake and up. The habits of an "old man" who has no idea he is old. Another blessing.

Our plans for the day are simple, I think. We will take our time and open gifts. Later there will be a full bird chicken dinner. Then after we will all get in the car and go look at holiday lights all around the desert. An annual rite.

And that will be enough.

When I got up the wind was howling! And then it stopped.

When Marcus and I went out to pee it was beautiful and calm.

An apt metaphor.

Calm after the storm.

Kind of cheesy but there you are.

Have a good day wherever you are. And Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas.

Labels: holidays