Thursday, June 16, 2011
WHAT NOT TO SAY, WHAT TO DO
I went to the hospital on Sunday. A friend had been admitted the night before with some troubling chest pains down his arm and upper chest.
They started testing immediately.
For now, he is alright. Has to change some things. Will go to a cardiologist.
We have been down that road.
This kind of event comes as a surprise. We are never ready for it whether it happens to us or to someone else.
And there is always that difficulty in knowing what to say.
The day after my visit, I read this in the NYTimes.
'You Look Great’ and Other Lies
I have said and done all of these things on the "do not do" list. I won't go and repeat it all. It is too humilating.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Can I do anything to help? Everything will be OK. It will pass. You look great!
I just finished reading Joyce Carol Oates wonderful book "The Widow" about her experience of the year after her husband died suddenly and without real explanation. That book is full of this kind of shit people say.
One of the astonishing things about her experience is that people sent her gifts. Fruit. Cheese. Harry and David.
She filled trash bins with it.
Of course, she is famous and people like to do things to be remembered. Add that to the list. Don't send fruit. Or cheese.
You could send a note and tell the person not to answer it. Oates couldn't touch her notes of condolence for weeks.
Go clean the house. Buy some groceries.
If it is me, come and gossip and tell me what is going on.
Don't ask to hear all the medical bullshit.
And mostly, if I tell you that I am quitting chemo or radiation or have decided to stop eating, would you support me? Tell me it is OK. Go ahead. It is my life and fuck the meddlesome experimenting doctors. Extending life for a few months is bullshit. Maybe longer is too. I don't want to talk about it. Just support me.
But not today. I feel fine.
And, oh. The most important part. Don't stay any longer than twenty minutes. Maybe fifteen.
This is one thing that I am really good at when I visit. The quick departure.
