Wednesday, March 26, 2008
STRESS WITHOUT STRESS
I have been shutting down a bit.
I suspect that I have been more affected by the renovations in the house than I would like to let on.
There is an inherent stress to any change.
Having someone in your house all the time, no matter how benign, is stressful.
Having dirt and displacement even though it is very temporary and always cleaned up is still stressful.
Having the refrigerator in a new location is stressful. Think about the 180 degree pivot as one goes to the old location and remembers the new one mid-turn.
Then there is the matter of getting the new appliances to work. Will they?
So far yes.
This morning I had a fantasy of the tankless heater that is due here next week not working and then having no hot water until it was fixed or the old tank was put back in place. Or something.
This is exactly what is going on. My mind is playing its old tricks. If I can't find a problem, it will think one up.
Don't get me wrong.
The whole renovation has gone without a hitch, so far, but just at the last moment it might get all fucked up. You know what I mean?
I am never very good around things that are going well. Meaning most or nearly all of my life.
My inner problem solver needs to keep busy.
I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or maybe the first shoe.
It isn't disabling. Just annoying.
Since nothing really justifies my fear in the real world, when it comes up, I stuff it.
But then it pops up around odd places.
This morning I had a bout of anxiety wondering if I had put stamps on two letters that I mailed yesterday.
Stooopid.
But it is OK.
A little extra meditation. A bit of spiritual reading. Talking to others.
And soon, it will all pass. The work, the stress, the crazy thinking.
It will fade.
I will not.
Right now, everything is jake.
