esrosedotblog

Sometimes, a lot really, I feel like I am defying the inevitable time line of aging.

I feel a lot younger than I am. Or, rather, I feel a lot better than I thought I would at this age.

But then there are days that I fucking feel my age. Not old, in the way I thought I would be. Feeble, simple, drooling.

It is more fundamental than that. I feel as though I have had a really heavy workout. Over the top. Weary.

I ache. Here, there, well, everywhere. Goddam it.

There is no cause or cure. Doctor Jim says, when age comes up, that I am just "old". That is the condition. The blatant truth right out there in his office. The physician speaks.

For a long time I have not acknowledged being old. Oh, from time to time, when people express surprise to find that I am 77, I wallow in the implied compliments. But usually I am quiet about it.

I am not sure that is a good thing. I don't want to be a whiner but the fact is that I am, somedays, not in the best of condition.

This does not involve "health", incidentally. This just means that chronic, moving around aches and pains are usually present.

We saw Bruce Dern yesterday playing an old man and the stiff walk was, in a way, comic.

But when I get up, the first few steps are very Dern-like and anything but funny.

That's it.

My dose of small self pity for the day.

So I ache. I earned it. One way to think about it. Like war wounds.

I still go to the gym every weekday. Half an hour on the bike, different body parts every day with the weights. That doesn't hurt.

It is immobility that hurts. The inertia sets in and I have to get going again.

Actually, this is my solution. Keep moving. The old Satchell Paige quote. "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you."

If you are younger than me and reading this it is probably a little scary or you will not want to hear it just because it is negative thinking. Or something. Good. Don't think about it. There is nothing in hell you can do about it when your turn comes.

OK. I am going to get up now and start moving around again. Next thing will be a nap.

Labels: aging