esrosedotblog

GIVING THANKS

I do not have 'trouble' with the holidays anymore. But when I did, Thanksgiving was one of the vexiest of the Big Three.

It might be based on childhood stuff.

I remember a Thanksgiving when, to please my father, I went squirrel hunting alone; to no avail.

I just couldn't do it. I shot a few rounds off my 22 just to make some noise, But I didn't aim it at anything, let alone the few squirrels I saw.

I made the decision then and there not to hunt, not to carry a gun, and not to kill anything bigger than a large cockroach (revised in later years, to 'no larger than a rat').

Of course, being a loud mouthed kid, I announced this finally and clearly at the dinner table. This was the first traumatic Thanksgiving. It might have been the first 'alienation from parents' event for me. I was twelve.

It seems unlikely that I would attach this socio-political thing to the holiday; but then, the mind does not act rationally.

Think about it.

No, don't.

Thinking about not thinking rationally. Whew.

Much later in life, my first Thanksgiving with John, I cooked a goose. It came out un-done. Quite a let-down. I hadn't known him long at the time. I projected his telling others about me; "good sex, fun to be with, but his goose is not cooked".

I don't think it was that, actually. We had a few laughs over the body, ate the side dishes and went out to dance or something.

Another possible source of my aversion is that I do not like enforced behavior of any kind.

I do not want to be 'grateful' on command. I rebel by becoming un-grateful. It is the same thing as church. Coerced spiritual practice is not spiritual.

Related to this is the idea of 'premeditated fun'. I rebel against this as well. This is why I have to reduce all expectations when I go to a movie or play or amusement park or, worse yet, a party. Well, I don't go to parties.

The idea that I should go to something to have fun seems counter productive to enjoyment. It becomes work.

That makes Thanksgiving not much fun either; enjoying the food, for example, if you are 'supposed' to. Here I am stuffing my face expecting enjoyment and.........

Well you get the point.

I am a grateful person. I have fun. I do have a spiritual life. I do not kill squirrels.

Isn't that enough?

We have a friend who, for his own reasons, eschews the day and will not even utter its name. He traditionally eats a meal of macaroni and cheese and goes to a good movie. Well, he is not alone in the latter. A lot of people go to movies on Thanksgiving. Mass escape.

I am not that extreme. I made cranberry sauce and baked a pumpkin pie from scratch. We always have real turkey breast on hand. I did a Mrs. Cubbison's stuffing.

Was it fun?

Sure. I like to cook. Was I grateful? Sort of. I didn't put the pie on a cookie sheet so the bottom came out soft. Real life.

That is what a holiday should be; a day to slow down a bit and contemplate real life gratefully. If that is it, then, mission accomplished.

The engraving is of a turkey buzzard.