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BEYOURSELF

Seven Steps To A Better Candidateis advice offered to John Kerry by Chris Marcil in today's New York Times. Who is Chris Marcil? Just a teevee comedy writer from LA. But why shouldn't he pile on like everyone else? Even I have offered advice to John Kerry.

Today, I suggest that Kerry refine his message but don't get caught on any specifics. Be more aggressive, but don't hurt anyone's feelings, we are liberals after all and we play nice. Attack bush for being an arrogant inflexible asshole but don't use those words exactly. You might alienate a few Independents or potential Nader voters who are geeks and don't like that kind of language.

And try to stand a little taller. People notice when you slouch and interpret that as meaning that you are a mincing Massachusetts Liberal. On the other hand, remember the Tom Cruise principle. People don't like it if anyone is taller than you so when you stand next to someone bend your knees. Or, have them stand on a box, as Tom does in all his pictures; our modern Alan Ladd. Or is it post modern?

Oh, and like those other people told you, don't let them take photos of you playing sports. You are supposed to be an American and we only do spectator sports. A few couch and beer shots with a bag of pretzels should do it.