esrosedotblog

MEDITATION

I have been a meditator for a long time; maybe 28 years. I was having a lot of snarl in my life. I tried a lot of stuff and, through a rather indirect path, got 'sent' to the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, MA. They do vipassana (insight) and metta (lovingkindness) meditation; breathing. It took. I stayed there a few weeks. I figure that experience had a lot to do with my getting and staying sober a couple of years later. You can't kill yourself and breathe at the same time. In the early days of recovery, I 'learned' how to hook meditation to the basics of my Program. It all worked together.

Somewhere, I stopped the regular practice, and without knowing it, became unhooked. I did OK, stayed sober, did my life. Then in 1997 everything hit us. We had a couple major illnesses, our Moms died, we moved to Palm Springs. I was a basket case of anxiety, dis-ease; over the top. We were in Provincetown for a final visit and I was in a lot of pain; not having a good time. I was out on the deck one morning; a neighbor was sitting. I remembered. I started sitting again right then and there. It was like riding a bicycle. You never forget how. Instant relief.

I still sit every day. The thing about meditation is that a little goes a looooong way. And more is not always better than a high-quality less.

I have no technique. I am way out of the positions; never could lotus at all. I sit comfortably, shut my eyes, and focus on breath. I do a little sing-song to get in the mood: "may I be filled with loving kindness; may I be well; my I be peaceful and and feel at ease; may I be happy". Then I am off and breathing. I let whatever comes to my mind arrive, and then I let it go; bubbles. I do not resist. I gently focus on the breath. Sometimes I actually learn something. I have insight. Other times, not. I am always calmed and centered. Directed.

I went back to my teacher a couple years ago. He was in Joshua Tree doing a workshop. I went and sat and listened and re-upped my stuff; stayed silent for a week. It was great. I do not know what happened really; but I got what I went for--I developed some purpose.

Behind it all I remember Alan Watts' great line that 'the only purpose of meditation is to have no purpose'.