Wednesday, December 17, 2003
PUSHIN' THE RIVER
It has been a great day.
I was up a bit early (245AM-the usual is 300 and max is 315); did the pup thing--pee, poop, play and eat. Meditation was good. I got through my news fix--the NYTimes email headlines and a dip into Yahoo News; checked the email; downloaded the crossword; looked at the market futures and was at the gym earlier than normal. This was the day for long cardio (an hour on the elliptical) and abwork.
I got home for more pup-play and boyfriend-friending and got the LATimes read over breakfast and after, some work on the e-mails. I even got finished with my 'daily' file on the 'net from the weather through the Drudge report, on to the earthquake record and so on. Then off to a Meeting which was nice with side visits to some of my buddies there.
Got home. Read some Dragons of Pern and, by the time lunch time rolled around I was ready for it and the post-lunch nap (how else do you think I can get up at 3AM everyday?).
CAUTION: Introspection ahead/ slippery when wet
Now this is good. So far it looks easy going. Actually, now that I see I type it, it does not look like easy going at all.......it looks like full tilt bizzyness.
AND underneath it all was a gnawing feeling that this was not enough; that I was lagging behind. I was not getting things DONE. It was too quiet.
Someone at the Meeting, Bob P., had idly pointed out to me that I sure had a lot happen in the last week. I demurred and said 'Aw it was nothing', but the comment stuck with me.
After all, I did do two days of kinda hard-time on jury duty on Monday and Tuesday, took delivery of a new car on Wednesday, used the next couple of days to play catchup, then went off to Pamona for the Cirque on Sunday.
This is all to say nothing of the fact that Franklin turned one year old on the same day! And then his party on Monday at Petsmart (see below). Wow, how much pressure is there in that?
Around all this, I got all strident-like on Monday about the Saddam thing; conflicted. I got all up in arms about the Demo-primary-circus and the mistreatment of my man Dean by his shiftless, spineless opponents.
The same day, I also got in high dudgeon--that is on top of strident-- and fired off a longish 'letter to the editor' rant to Andrew Sullivan, my conservative buddy. (Andrew always gets me stirred up as I am totally ambivalent about him--a gay conservative--you can get a sample any day at THE DAILY DISH. I think that you will see what I mean. Try to get out of the site unscathed and at ease. He is stirring.
Hell, that is MORE than a week.
Tuesday was quiet. Take a look. I did the standard things but relaxed into the day. I figured a day off was enough.
And so this morning, as I took in the suggestion about having had a lot of stuff on my plate for the last week, I understood it but it didn't really sink in until I found myself struggling this afternoon. I was trying to get a web-site started on Earthlink--a place to put photos that I could link into this blog.
Things went from bad to worse; so, not satisfied with taking it easy or backing off, I forged ahead. I took on a bit of nasty sledding. It was not working for me but I kept going. 'It' got even worse. The web froze up.
I have a LOT of trouble with 'assistants' and 'wizards' that help me set things up and this one was particularly vexatious. It is the third site that I have started to start without any success. My name is on three empty boxes out there in never-never-net-land. Who says I have trouble asking for help?
In the middle of my struggle; as my teeth began to grind and my head was bopping, Bob S. called to talk about working for his big one-man show in February. As he talked about keeping at moderate stress for max-productivity in his painting, he got, and I felt, my inattentiveness to what he was saying. Me me me me.
When he asked if 'this is a good time', I copped to being 'out of it'; 'stressed to the top' on the photo upload thing. He identified. The same happens with him. Not doing 'enough'; compensating by pushing it; getting all tied up. Then, the work doesn't work.
He told me to stop. Take the dog for a walk. And so on. Go with the flow. If it is not working: Stop. He told me that a couple of times. Each time it sunk in a little more. And here I thought he called me to help HIM with something. Maybe he did. Maybe I did.
I stopped.
I got Franklin out of his little mini-nap and hit the road. He was just waiting for me to get out of my box and get it on with him anyway. Semper Fidelis Franklinius.
It was warmer and prettier than yesterday. We had a good time. Somewhere in the middle of it I realized that it was OK to take it easy this week. I really DO need a little recovery time.
Somewhere in the last third of the walk, I got that I don't give a shit about putting pictures on this site. What an 'insite'. I thought I wanted them in here; but I don't. In fact, if you look at the very first inarticulate posting on the blog, I say that overdoing it was what got me overdosed on the website that I had doing a couple of years ago.
Here I go again. Almost.
What is kind of amazing is that, intellectually I know all about this kind of thing--power driving--over reaching myself--compulsive achieving. I also know my own versions of it as they have been with me throughout my life.
But when the stuff comes on, it is not recognizable as, well STUFF. It seems imperative that I fix whatever it is that is going 'wrong' immediately (when it is ME that is on the blink). Of course, being powerless over people, places, things, and a lot of my own 'business' as well; FIXING it OR myself is the last thing I should be doing. Time to let it goooooooooooooo.
Go walking with the dog. Quit pushing the river.
Ahhhhhhhhh, breathe. Easy does it. Another lesson in the same old 'textbook'.
Comments:
Post a Comment
